Savoring the Lovemaking Experience

In our fast-paced culture, we want everything in a hurry. From burgers to data, we want it dished up quick! Sadly, this mentality sometimes follows us into the bedroom, a place where we should learn to savor our love relationship just as we would a fine meal or rich chocolate, slowly and deliberately.

The Shulamite maiden, bride to King Solomon, knew how to slow down and savor the love feast God had prepared for her and her groom. In Song of Solomon 2:3-4, she says, Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. This young wife had learned to feast on the grand smorgasbord of delights served up by her lover. She was enthralled by his presence. He stood out above the rest! She was content to sit with him, kiss him, and allow him to caress her. She was honored by his proclamation of love for her to the whole world. He was proud to call her his own, to praise her before others, and to woo her with gentle, sweet words. It is obvious that Solomon and his bride took great care and time with their lovemaking. It was their chief joy and delight!

In the same way, when you and your mate signed that marriage license, you were committing to one another for a lifetime! In God’s eyes, you were covenanting together to love, cherish, and serve one another for better or worse, in sickness and health until death do you part. At the very heart of that covenant relationship is the one flesh union that signifies you have been joined together not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. You have each been granted the awesome privilege and responsibility of demonstrating love for the other through sexual intercourse. In essence, you have been licensed to thrill!

In the words of Dr. Ed Wheat in his book, Intended for Pleasure, “every physical union should be an exciting contest to see which partner can out-please the other. The husband should be the world’s greatest authority on how to please his wife. And the wife should be able to say as joyously as the bride in Song of Solomon 7:10, “‘I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.’”

Fostering desire is a continual effort. Your love relationship is never static. You are either progressing or retreating. With that purpose in mind, we offer some tips on savoring your lovemaking experience.

BE OPEN TO EXPERIMENTING

God has equipped our bodies with intense sensations that are worth discovering and exploring as married couples. These divinely orchestrated sensations are just another proof that God intends married couples to experience complete satisfaction in the sexual relationship. A sexually satisfied mate views life, himself, and his mate more positively. As husband and wife, open yourselves up to the many delights your bodies have to offer. Experiment with various touches, caresses, and kisses. Don’t assume that because you like something, your mate will too. What one may find exhilarating, the other may find annoying. Ask yourself: What touch would delight my partner tonight? By the way, if you have not asked your mate that question, you need to. Communicating your needs and desires is vital for a satisfying sex life. In their book, The Gift of Sex, Clifford and Joyce Penner detail several exercises that couples can employ to increase sexual pleasure. Each exercise is designed to help you slow down and savor the lovemaking process.

UNDERSTAND WHAT A MAN NEEDS

Men are built for connection. Contrary to what many wives think, their husbands are not primarily out for a breast or vagina; they are out for physical, emotional, and spiritual connection, although they may not articulate the need in so many words. Sex fills a void in the man. The act best communicates his wife’s love and devotion to him. When I (Eileen) learned that having sex with Chuck is one of the best ways I can help him feel loved, it changed my attitude toward our sex life. Having functioned on the premise that most of his intent was purely physical, even animal at times, I sometimes ridiculed his desire. Knowledge of his deeper needs has freed me to be the wife God intends me to be. Not perfect, but growing in my ability to minister to him through our sexual relationship.

Scripture is clear that a godly wife brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:12). Since sex is such an integral part of marriage, some of that good lies in the one flesh union. When you make yourself available to your husband, you are protecting him from outside temptation that can harm both of you. Since God designed sex, He sees it as good and right. Therefore, to offer your husband what God has created and deems good is an act of worship on your part. You bring glory to God when you love your husband sexually. A godly woman has freedom to be sexy with her husband. Read the Song of Solomon for a beautiful picture of a turned-on wife! A responsive wife fuels her husband’s manhood, giving him confidence. A thousand things can be going wrong in his world, but if sex with his wife is consistent and fulfilling, he feels on top of his world, able to function with better judgment. The sexual relationship eases tension in his life and in the home. The security you offer him through the lovemaking experience helps him feel more successful in other areas of his life, as well as be a better father to his children. When you please your husband, you enhance your own arousal, causing you to feel even sexier. 

Wife, ask yourself: What can I do tonight to be alluring to my husband?

UNDERSTAND WHAT A WOMAN NEEDS

Clifford and Joyce Penner, Christian authors and sex therapists, comment in their book, The Gift of Sex, “Women desire sex and open up sexually when they feel loved by and connected with their husbands.” Furthermore, according to Dr. Jennifer Berman, urologist and director of the Female Sexual Medicine Center at UCLA, “women experience desire as a result of context—how they feel about themselves and their partner, how safe they feel, their closeness and their attachment.” This makes woman the most complex creature on earth, differing from her male counterpart who tends to be more visually stimulated.

Therefore, it is crucial to the success of the lovemaking experience that a woman feel valued by her husband. A woman is able to freely love when she views herself and her role as wife and mother in a positive light. While her husband should encourage her self-esteem, ultimately she must derive her worth from her Lord, so that she can then give to her husband and receive his love in return. Furthermore, a woman needs to receive compassion (understanding and a listening ear), affection (nonsexual touches), romance (special touches like candlelight and roses), and companionship (friendship) from her husband in order to give herself freely in sex. Husband, begin early in the day to “court” your wife. And wife, begin early in the day thinking about lovemaking with your husband, so that by the evening when you are together, your engines are revved and warmed up for sex. Healing emotional wounds is also vital for the woman to enjoy sex to the fullest. While the husband may have quickly forgotten hurtful words spoken in the heat of the moment, the wife is not likely to forget. Because a woman is so relationship oriented, grievances must be cleared up before she is able to respond sexually to the fullest degree. 

Husband, ask yourself: How can I best meet my wife’s needs today?

God designed sex to be a delightful experience between husband and wife. Take time to savor your lovemaking. Experiment with news touches and differing positions and places, as long as both of you agree and are comfortable doing so. Keep talking about what brings you pleasure. Wife, seek to understand what is meaningful to your husband. And husband, do the same for your wife. When you come together to consummate your love, make sure you are both satisfied with the experience. And if not, learn what will bring satisfaction to your spouse. As Ed and Gaye Wheat say in their book, Intended for Pleasure, “Time is all essential. Take time to thoroughly arouse each other physically. Take time to ensure the wife’s orgasm and the husband’s controlled, full response. Finally, after intercourse, take time to express your love and appreciation for each other.”