The
house was deadly silent. Chuck and I looked at each other across the breakfast
table. “A prelude of things to come,” I muttered.
He
nodded, knowing my concerns without my verbalizing them.
Our
oldest was living in North Carolina; our middle girl was working and preparing
for college in the fall; and our youngest was out with a friend. We both felt
the foreboding shadow of the empty nest years creep across the table.
“I
hope we’re ready for this,” I mused.
“We
will be,” Chuck reassured.
Most
couples share a similar anxiety when the last child leaves home. Often, the
empty nest coincides with mid-life challenges and the care of aging parents,
setting up the couple for multiple loss situations. Changes in routine, roles,
and time, call for adjustment. In his book, Recovering
from the Losses of Life, Norman Wright comments that, ‘sometimes an
additional loss occurs if the couple lunges toward each other to fill the empty
spaces in their lives. They may end up pushing each other away because of their
intensity and a feeling of abandonment can result” (148).
On
the other hand, some couples eager to fulfill postponed goals and dreams delve
into their work or hobbies to the exclusion of their mates. Intimacy suffers.
Some spouses may go looking for another person to fill that void, and thus
ensues an affair. Others aren’t looking, but the secretary is such a good
listener that before he realizes what is happening, an unhealthy attachment is
formed. Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. Keep a healthy sense of
balance in your relationship.
A
marriage is vulnerable when the nest empties. With the children gone, the couple
focuses on their relationship, maybe for the first time since they said, “I
do.” They might not like what they see. Some may choose to run. Others choose
to stay in the marriage and commit to a stronger second half. The couple who
has made their marriage a priority from the beginning will discover the
transition much smoother.
Nonetheless,
even the best relationship needs a boost during these transition years. Try the
following tips to infuse new life into your marriage.
1. Date your mate.
List activities you enjoy, then number them in order of your preference. Take
turns sharing your hobbies and special places of interest. Through our
daughters’ growing years, we made it a goal to go out alone together weekly. We
put it on the calendar. Otherwise it would not have happened. Don’t let other
activities crowd out your couple time. You are experiencing emotions that are
unique to this season of life. You both need this weekly refresher for the two
of you to share thoughts and feelings, and simply enjoy each other’s
companionship and support.
2. Find your own outlet.
With the potential to overly cling to one another as you work through this
transition time, it’s important to “test the waters” and find an activity that
excites your soul. There’s always a plea for volunteers in many wonderful
community organizations, as well as at church. For me, writing has given a new
platform in this season of life. For Chuck, golf has provided a much-needed
diversion. Remember to include some time each day giving back to others. That’s
the secret to true joy and fulfillment.
3. Balance time together with other
pursuits. Dr. Dave Peterson, founder of Total Life
Counseling, Inc. of Roanoke, Virginia encourages couples to regularly evaluate
their involvement in eight different areas. Consider the following as you plan
out your activities on a daily basis.
·
Spiritual
(spending
time alone with God, church work)
·
Emotional
(sharing
feelings with my mate, outside friendships, journaling)
·
Physical
(recreation,
exercise)
·
Cultural
(visit
an art museum, attend the symphony, or plan an overseas trip to tour or work on
a mission project).
·
Financial
(set
goals for present as well as future needs).
·
Marital
(making
time for each other, working on communication skills)
·
Social
(hosting
parties, maintaining outside friendships, both individually, as well as a
couple)
·
Governmental
(deciding
what part you play as a Christian citizen, such as voting, lobbying, praying,
making calls, writing letters)
Some
of the above areas may overlap. You may decide to spend more time in one
category that in another. Take your thoughts before God and ask His input.
Remember man plans, but God directs his steps. It may be helpful to make a
chart on which you list each category and the time spent in each pursuit.
Reassess your activities weekly, monthly, and yearly. Reevaluate. Set new
goals. Share your individual plan with your mate and talk about it together.
If
your life was complete before your children left home, your adjustment will be
easier. If your life was never complete, you have a major task ahead. If you
haven’t been a healthy individual, you won’t be now. This additional life
challenge will only make things more difficult. You may need professional
assistance as you wade through overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
On
the other hand, if you have a social network in place or extended family
relationship from which you can receive empathy, support, and suggestions, you
will handle this transition as a bump in the road, not a major crevice that
causes you to stop your car, repair the road, then cross.
4.
Keep
the lines of communication open daily. Our home base is at the
breakfast table where we take a few minutes to read some scripture or a
Christian book, pray together, and discuss concerns. We try to manage conflicts
as they arise. We deal with this issue extensively in our book, Marriage with an Attitude.
5.
Handle
anger constructively. You’ve heard the old adage, “Don’t
go to bed mad.” Well, it’s older than grandma. Paul preached the same message
thousands of years ago when he wrote Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry, and yet do not
sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Choose to forgive daily. Leave
the past behind and move forward together.
6.
Make
your spouse your best friend. To be well-balanced,
also include other friendships.
7.
Enhance
your romance. Don’t get so busy with your new
interests that you cheat yourself and your partner out of intimacy. You
probably have more time and, perhaps, money to invest in candlelit dinners,
trips, and moonlit walks than ever before. If your home is happy, you will be
able to give more to others. You have more emotional energy to invest.
Remember, God has an exciting path mapped out for your marriage ministry, as
you recommit to serve Him together for the rest of your days. (Dancing)
(Excerpt taken from When Mourning Comes, Living through Loss © 2002 Chuck and Eileen
Rife. Used by permission) Eileen's Amazon Author Page
